Vorsprung Durch Technik
I can’t really talk to you about anything particularly relatable, as I wanted to buy an Audi the other week.
I went into an Audi car showroom.
And I asked to buy a car, and I asked for all the options.
- the comfort package, the design package, the technology package
- heated adjustable door mirrors
- storage and luggage package including tow-bar preparation
- air vent sleeve in glacier white
- cloth headlining
- illuminated door sill trims
- and aluminium gear .... knob
I asked for all of these things, and the sales assistant handed me the printed out order invoice with one hand, her other hand was lactating in excitement.
I took the invoice form, looked at all the options, and at the top of the list was the car itself, I got a pen, and drew a thick line through the name of the car and handed the list back saying:
"I just want the options, no car"
And then the sales assistant keeled over off of her chair groaning like a bridge with poor structural integrity
She got out a dog whistle and blew it in between her moans, a dog came out and started to chew the options off of the cars in the showroom The dog piled up all the options in a heap by the desk and the assistant got off the ground and after forcefully insisting to me that she had vertigo she asked me if I wanted to take the pile of chewed off options on a test drive
And I said yes
The dog started to put the options into an Audi branded wheelbarrow She then pushed the wheelbarrow out of the showroom and I followed her out and she pressed a button and out of optional rich bass speakers came Bossa Nova music
She shrieked to me,
"ONLY BOSSA NOVA MUSIC CAN CAPTURE THE MOOD OF BUYING GLACIER WHITE AIR VENT SLEEVES"
She grabbed one of the heated wing mirrors and said to me TESTESTESTEST
I drop kicked the wing mirror off a passing car and tried to attach my heated wing mirror but the mirrors weren't compatible with the wires so I waited for a car to pass and headbutted their wing mirror with my arm.
And I connected my wing mirror and it seemed to be okay I asked the driver to switch on the heated wing mirror and they pressed the button and after about 3 minutes at full speed on the motorway we noticed the heat of the mirror go slightly up
SO THE HEATED WING MIRROR HEATED, BUTTTTTT
then I asked her the question that was on everyone's lips
DOES THE MIRROR REFECT LIGHT?
And the driver looked in the mirror, consulted a photograph of herself for comparison and said YES
I smiled in a warm way and said VORSPRUNG DURCH TECHNIK
and he smiled back and said VORSPRUNG DURCH TECHNIK
I saluted her and back flipped off the car, thankfully the assistant with the wheelbarrow was there to catch me and she said to me with anguish tearing through her face,
“DID YOU KNOW THAT AUDI ARE OWNED BY VOLKSWAGEN?”
And I gaped at her
MERGERS AND ACQUSITIONS ARE THE CANCER THAT WILL UNFORTUNATELY DESTROY CAPITALISM
Tears started to stream down her face
I picked up the illuminated door sill from the wheelbarrow and pressed its finely machined surface against her cheek to comfort her She looked up at me, and I turned the lights on the door sill, and it lit up her face in a heavenly glow
And I said to her
'I want a 5-year warranty'
and she said she can only get me a 3-year warranty with that option package.
I spat at her and went to get a kebab.