H2O

Title

I was walking past a recycling bin, as anyone does, in a straight line.

And I heard the sound of car traffic, coming out of the recycling bin.

I looked around the recycling bin and saw it had hinges on the bottom, I lifted it with my noteworthy strength and I lifted it high enough to see that beneath it, was a ladder shaft going down… below.

I went down the ladder

And when I got to the bottom, for there was thankfully a bottom, I saw within a tunnel a fully functional 8 lane motorway absolutely full of traffic, and it was 24m long.

They were driving at full motorway speed, before doing violent handbrake turns at the end before going the opposite way.

I saw a petrol station about halfway down the motorway, but I couldn't cross due to all the traffic, so I hailed a cab by shouting "CAB". Before remembering people only shout "TAXI" when hailing and say 'cab' in daily conversation, the kind of daily conversations that involve cabs.

I saw a petrol station about halfway down the motorway, the petrol station mini-mart was very busy and full of f people circulating the aisles, the aisles were about 1-mile-long, when the people got to the other end of the store they would make violent handbrake turns and before going the opposite way.

I followed one of the shoppers, and they picked up some herbal shampoo, started walking with it, stared at it and started tutting, and after about 200m they would put it down onto the next shampoo aisle over, pretty much everyone was doing this in the shop as they circulated around, basically shifting the contents of the entire store a few hundred metres down the aisle every time.

I got to the DVD section, and saw an interesting DVD called 'H2O', it was some sort of Canadian political thriller, so I decided I may as well buy it, but I couldn't find the till anywhere.

Suddenly I felt the need to go to the loo so I went into the toilet, it was a normal size, except the sinks were the urinals and the urinals were the sinks, or at least that's how I saw it.

So I went into the ladies room, knocking to see if anyone was there, but I couldn't hear anything, so I went in.

And next to the cubicle at the end of the room was a 30 till checkout that was caked in dust.

I dried my hands and just as I finished a cashier popped out from underneath the counter.

She let out a giant yawn and saw me and my DVD and her eyes lit up.

"Is that all you want to buy today sir?"

I nodded silently and with perfect symmetry, still worried if I said anything I may collapse the universe.

I paid and as I left the ladies room the woman replied "Have a good period of time, and for the love of Christ please come back again soon"

I was spooked, spooked through my shirt, so I rushed out and saw a ladder

'the ladder probably went up' I suddenly realised.

So I clambered onto the ladder and climbed up frantically, forgetting my training, climbing with no attention to posture, trying to grab the rungs with a clenched fist, kicking my back with my knee, making eye contact with my elbow.

Before finally getting to the top,

pushing a hatch out front of me, I tumbled out of a row of ATMs onto a street, where someone waiting for their money said 'ohh you'll do much better than a tenner!'

I shouted at them 'Don't objectify me, google it' and headed home. I looked at the DVD cover and started to wonder what the film was about.

I imagined the Canadian Prime Minister in an office, with an advisor going, 'Sir, the USA want to take all of our water'

Then the Prime Minister would just adjust their tie for a few minutes, without actually giving any instructions or directions.

Then a high level cabinet meeting occurs where the subject is the ever shrinking Canadian economy due to lack of water.

The cabinet meeting consists of 20 people adjusting their tie, a politician would come in late wearing a silk blouse with no tie and then someone at the door would hand her a tie, she would sit down at the table and start to adjust their tie.

Then I imagined a final scene where parliament has to vote on whether to accept the relocation of the remains of the Canadian state into a 24 metre long stretch of highway underneath a recycling bin in London. They proceed to start adjusting their ties like this, someone gets up to filibuster the vote, which essentially means they start to adjust their tie except they are doing it meaninglessly just to fill up time.

Then the vote defaults to relocating the shrunken Canadian State to a 24 metre tunnel underneath London

I realise that that is exactly what must have happened and that the movie was inspired by what actually happened, yet no one seems to know that they have put a shrunken Canada in a 24m tunnel under London.

Then a knock from the door, I opened the door and it was a policeman, she said

"I was, I was just wondering, have you seen Canada anywhere? We phoned them up this afternoon and they didn't reply" I shook my head, told them that you can't phone up a whole country, they agreed and then they left.

At the end of it all I cut up the DVD with a scissor and decided that I'd keep Canada to myself. There are 1000s of recycling bins so you probably won't find it, and even then you'd need noteworthy strength.