I don't know much about democracy
So I decided I wanted to get informed so I went to The Library
Oh how it has changed in the age of the Cathode Ray Tube
When I went into the library I saw everyone just writhing around on their backs and mid-riffs, tumbling around piles of scattered books, piles some as tall as a Ford Transit is diagonal
I asked to the library clerk, how I'm supposed to find a book in all of this?
The librarian looked at me like the Dutch look at people when they ask them 'is this seat taken?'
So I just started walking on top of the piles of books, but I couldn't find it!
I shouted in a monotone "I'M LOOKING FOR DEMOCRACY"
And about 3 miles away at a protest in Westminster, someone muttered "So are we".
MY GOD, THE LIBRARY ENHANCED MY HEARING
At that point a hand burst out of the books, dripping with the blood of multiple paper cuts, the hand was holding a book and as I slowly and delicately slipped the book out of the bleeding hand, I saw each letter of the title appear, it was D… E… …W.E.Y.--It was the Dewey Decimal System for Dummies. very drole.
I stamped on the patronising hand and twisted my foot for good measure, then I looked up 'Democracy'
Next to the number it said 'Writhe and moan 4 times down into the 32nd pile of books.
So I dived in to the 32nd pile and it felt like ages and ages that I was tumbling and groaning, and just when I thought that knowledge would forever recede into a sea of paper and dried blood, I found Democracy.
I swam up to the top of the pile of books, ran 12 victory laps around the library basement, and sat down to read it.
And here it is, and this is what it said.
DEMOCRACY Chapter 1- DEMOCRACY This sample book layout is one of many available from the Farthing Book Bindery
MY GOD, I WAS FOOLED, THIS IS NOT DEMOCRACY, IT'S JUST AN EMPTY SAMPLE BOOK, (Is that a metaphor?)
I was fuming, and I couldn't put into words my feelings, until I saw to my right a half kilometre tall poster of the Teletubbies the words underneath saying 'THE DEWEY DECIMAL SYSTEM NO LONGER REPRESENTS THE TRUTH'
WHAT EPISODE WAS THAT FROM?
I had it, if I can't learn about history then I may as well make it.
I snapped a finger off the hand I stamped and used the bleeding marrow and blood to write on the blank pages of democracy. So pray silence please as I read from these pages.
CHAPTER 1 DEMOCRACY: Democracy was invented by the Ancient Greeks, after arguments broke out in a small village in Thrace over whether they could afford to hold the Olympics there, which at a cost of over 20 virile Bulls would have required significant sponsorship from McDonalds
However, McDonalds did not exist yet, a public man interjected. Someone else in the town said she saw a McDonalds about 12 stadia away down the road to Athens. The other person insisted it was not a McDonalds but a Burger King and that the only McDonalds in the region was in Corfu. And someone said it was typical that there would be a McDonalds in Corfu. But then someone shouted that it was not typical of Corfu to have a McDonalds and that it was a great sleight to the people of Corfu to assume that they were the kind of people to have a McDonalds.
At that point, Aristotle turned around and the camera zoomed in on his wise torso, and then panned to his even wiser head, he said: "We should have a 'demo-cratic' election to decide whether Corfu are the kind of people to accommodate a McDonalds.
Someone un-dropped his jaw and said "What is a 'demo-cratic' election?"
Aristotle then suddenly shifted his eyes around, realising he just simply put the greek word 'Demo', which means 'to try something out' and kratos, which means 'to criticise' together thus making a gibberish word to make him sound smart, he did this often but no-one this side of the Balkan Mountains was smart enough to notice.
After saying 'HMM' many times Aristotle said
'You must decide on the thing you hate the most, and then register a vote for it.'
And so they did and they all voted that they hated the idea that Corfu wouldn't be the kind of people that accommodate a McDonalds.
DEMOCRACY, IT MAKES PERFECT SENSE.
I closed the book and smugly looked around me
Who needs knowledge when you can just write it yourself.
I reattached the finger to the hand, which then reanimated and gave me a thumbs up.